Aaliya Hameed
I was in a dark, warm and safe environment which gave me the best feeling in the universe, before I woke up to witness happy, sad and confused faces surrounding me. Before my eyes met the most beautiful sparkling eyes of my mother, I wanted to know the reason of unhappy and confused faces surrounding me but then it all seemed trivial.
My mother’s bosom was always serene and warm. As I grew up I was enlightened by the presence of more members of my family, my two brothers along with my parents and grandparents, who would be loving me, caring for me and protecting me from the dark in the world. Little did I know about the dark in the world and the dark that was in store for me, or perhaps at that point of my life I did not want to know the grey shades of the life. I was the baby in the house and so felt very important and very much loved by every other member of my family. I was a pampered child and at my slightest cry my family would be there by my side to take care and make me laugh.
As I grew older I realized I no longer remained the same loved baby of the house, I had no idea when I became the girl child from the baby. But this transformation was sudden and shocking, my cry would no longer draw attention to be pampered rather it drew an advice from corners of the house wherever the members were seated. I, inter alia, started getting more used to the advices for the girl child hurled at me; that is not how girls behave, that is not how girls sit, that is not how girls eat, that is not how a girl should dress etc.
My brothers had no rule book to follow or any advices to listen to, whatever they did, however they did was right. It seemed to me there was no right or wrong for boys; right or wrong, good and evil, black and white, and the dark in the world was for girls only. Thankfully I was enlightened by my school teachers about the fact that I had a wrong notion of right and wrong for boys and girls. I started to concentrate on my school to forget the environment at home, I wanted to study and know about the world around me.
I started to be curious about things around me, started asking questions about things that I couldn’t comprehend and that was what helped me to stay focused on learning rather than the rule book for me at home and no rules at all for my brothers. I even was distant from the serene bosom of my mother for it no longer seemed to be so, as it longed more for the sons rather than an inquisitive daughter.
For my father, fulfilling the wishes of his sons was more important that the needs of a daughter, even for my grandparents it was always my brothers who were important and intelligent in spite of the fact that I was better than them at studies and co curricular activities at the school. By this time I had become an outcast in my own family where at one point of time I was the baby who was very loved and pampered.
I strived to excel in my studies and yearned for appreciation from my grandparents and father, my mother being illiterate women used to stay away from the issues regarding education of her children except that her boys should study well and receive higher education so as to get white collar jobs and earn a respectable place in society and she be a proud mother of two well settled boys. I being the girl didn’t need to study efficiently or receive higher education as I had to be married into other family along with dowry so I was a responsibility that was to be fulfilled at the earliest and in such a way that it would please maximum acquaintances and society.
My family especially my mother holding such an opinion was quite devastating for me, I started to get my mind round the concept of patriarchy not just pedagogically but also because of being a victim of it. My teachers always encouraged me on being a studious child and wanted me to pursue higher education along side with vocational education as they used to opine that I have the potential of exceling in whatever I did.
I topped in my exams, received a lot of praises and good wishes from my teachers always, however it was not enough for me to pursue higher educational even of the secondary level. In spite of topping my board exams I had to drop out and give preference to other important things like running a house, managing household chores inter alia and let the financial resources be utilized for future bread earners of the family, my brothers, who were not as good as I was in studies yet they were preferred over me just owing to the fact that I was a girl and had to go the other house.
I wanted to run far away pursue education and prove my worth and caliber to everyone around, but the full stop on my education was like a mental trauma to me till I got to know that I was one of the lucky girl children who are allowed to open their eyes in this world.
I felt like a fish out of water gasping and struggling for water but the cruel clutches of fisherman are so firm that it can’t even die in a snap. Seeing my brothers getting ready for school and helping my mother to pack their bags and tiffins was a nail in the coffin of my dreams of being a hardworking performer in any discipline, getting a good job and being of a greater good in the society and nation at large.
Pondering over my life and ways and means to improve it was my only work which I did on my own for myself, I was busy with this work of mine when I received another blow of getting married to someone I don’t know and the family I had to get married into were coming to my father’s place to assess their daughter-in-law to be. By this time I had grown skeptical of every other person.
My mother wanted me to get ready for the occasion, look presentable before them, keep a check on my words just answer their questions, after I prepare tea and snacks or the guests so that they would get a good impression of the girl they would be assessing for their son. I was feeling betrayed by the whole world, I was not expecting this to happen so soon.
I had been planning to run away from this place to continue my studies and fly with dreams as my wings but now this unfortunate incident. I was not able to free myself from this prison and now it will be upgraded by adding a few more bars.
Would my daughter be subjected to same treatment, will she have to leave her studies even if she would be excelling in it, will she have to forsake her needs for desires of her brothers, will she have to learn household chores with me at the time when she should be involved with her studies and learning about world around her, doing school projects, will she drop out of school early to get married.
Will she live the same fate as her mother? No I won’t let that happen, my daughter will study as much as she wants to, she will learn about the world around her, she will pursue higher education get herself a white collar job and make me a proud mother of a daughter. My daughter cannot go through the same ordeal as I went through; I won’t let her go through all this.
I will make sure that she is treated the same as her brothers. I will make sure that she feels her mother’s bosom longs for her the same as for her brothers. I felt a sudden push; my mother got me out of my stream of thoughts and informed me that the boy and his family were here already and wanted to meet me.
I headed out to meet the family with storm of thoughts going on inside my head. I could not understand what was happening around me, my physical self and mental self seemed to have lost coordination. My father’s words brought back some coordination when he directed me to show around the garden to the boy which actually meant the boy would be asking me some questions trying to know me and I was supposed to answer every question of his and need not ask any question to him being a girl.
I did as I was told answered all the questions asked but before joining rest of the people again the dreadful thoughts of my daughter going through the same ordeal raised a question and concern for my daughter gave words to my thoughts and the question came up to my lips, what would you do if you have a daughter? After asking this question I looked up to the face of this boy but I could not read it, I could not access his thoughts and was getting highly troubled to listen to the answer.
The same if I have a son. This answer gave me butterflies in my stomach. Is this real! Am I again in my thoughts? My father didn’t do that would this guy really do this? Does he really mean it what he just said? I wanted to ask him more but we were interrupted by the call of elders. It remained in a limbo. Our marriage was decided.
I was not able to decide onto what I should be doing I felt an ox being driven to plough the field. Should I leave this place for ever or should I marry to assure my daughter a fair treatment by her father. I don’t have a daughter yet, what is it that I want to fall in place.
Do I even know what I want to do? Ah! I wish I could study more to at least know what is good for me, how I can accomplish things that will prove beneficial to me. Can I run away or should I get married? If I run away will I be able to reach a safe place and live upto my dreams or I will end up in a much worse place? Will getting married make any positive change in my life?
